SUCKED DRY

What is this death metal meets Mickey Mouse Club movement sweeping modern-day music? I mean, yeah we all knew Disney was evil, in league with Satan (that Walt was a Venomous motherfucker). And I GET Hannah Montana melting achy-breaky hearts...I do, and at least it makes sense, I mean I GET that. Why would I begrudge pop music for being pretty and predictable? It's what makes Justin Beiber a lot closer to the Antichrist than Cannibal Corpse will ever come (blood...if you must). But this shit is pathetic. I mean, what do I even call it? Glam-Goth post-hardcore melodic death pop? I came across a Warped Tour comment on Facebook where this kid described his band as "post-hardcore pop thrash dance", but all I heard was "post-op crap flashdance". And it couldn't have been more appropriate cuz all the androgyny amassing is slowly turning me gay. I can't even tell who's a girl and who's not. I thought Jefree Star was a chick being "clever" with a dude's name. Half of these guys are hotter than Hayley from Paramore, and it's pissing me off when they turn out to have dicks. Shit, THEY could teach HER a thing or two about make-up (not that I don't adore Ms. Williams au-naturale appeal...and by "adore", of course I mean "wanna fuck the shit out of"). Andrew kept going on to me about the hot-ass singer from Tokio Hotel only to scroll down the web page and find her name was BILL! It's not that I can't keep up with the sub-genre telephone tranny name game, it's that there's no point cuz these miserable misguided miscreants aren't even bothering to make sense anymore...but, as often, I digress.

This "music" is just the most pathetic, 3rd string, regurgitated, soulless, hackneyed hodge-podge of frankensteined plagiarism I've ever heard, and it's only getting worse with each new generation. These little fuckheads don't even know whose graves they're robbing anymore. Hell, they don't even know what CEMETERY they stumbled into, let alone the name on the headstone. They just know they came dressed for the occasion and zombies are SOOOOO in right now. Oh wait that's VAMPIRES, my mistake. Whatever, schlock on the eye-shadow and hop on the horror-pop bandwagon before it passes you by! But don't worry kiddies, cuz the doombuggy'll come full circle soon enough. All the tweens will grow half a brain, some curly new hair, and bail with puberty and we'll wind up right back here with a fresh batch of children of the night to paint their fingernails black and make sad faces at the perpetual creep-show: same ghoul time, same ghoul place...only this week it'll be fucking mummies...good thing that eye-shadow goes a long way. I can just see the hordes of toilet paper-macheted morons heading to Hot Topic for their hyper-inflated $15 dollar roll of 39 cent gauze.

They sell this shit like fresh cadavers to surgical seminars. Like they're cutting edge songwriters. Like they're that NEW shit. Like they're not ripping off Escape the Fate ripping off Bullet for My Valentine ripping off Atreyu ripping off From Autumn to Ashes ripping off In Flames/At the Gates ripping off Iron Maiden/Testament ripping off Rainbow/Diamond Head...see, 3rd string was being NICE. And OF COURSE, you can say the same of ANY modern ensemble, yours truly being all-too-obviously no exception. Go ahead, pick your favorite band and I'll be more than happy to let you know who they're stealing their songs from, I know where I pilfered my "inspiration", lol. Without Black Sabbath,Bon Jovi, Ozzy, Iron Maiden, Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Pantera, Skid Row, Shadows Fall, Guns n Roses, Megadeth, Arch Enemy, and Metallica (to name a FEW), Taking Dawn doesn't even EXIST. But plagiarism itself is an artistic institution. Your influences are going to show through, whether you button up the cuffs or wear 'em on your sleeves. It's all in the arrangement. But at least ATTEMPT, however failed though it may be, to bring a new take, SOME different perspective to the music that made you want to become a musician in the first place instead of just piercing it through the heart with your unimaginative little dick and raping the soul out of it utterly.

The rape of Gothenburg has become the musical equivalent of the rape of Nanking. Don't get it? Look it up.

And that's just SONICALLY. Let's not even GET STARTED on the aesthetics here...no let's. BELIEVE me, I'm NOT the "keep the underground UNDER GROUND" kinda guy. Zombies are SUPPOSED to roam the earth unchecked, inducing mass hysteria and converting the masses. THAT'S fun. If you keep 'em underground then they're just corpses..and only the creepy, albeit dedicated, necrophiliacs get to enjoy them. Man, that metaphor wrote itself! I WANT my gruesome anti-pop death metal to bleed buckets into the mainstream and infect it with scores of STD's (that's SONICALLY transmitted diseases). But instead I get neon wigger-glitter and pussy-ass pastel puffy-paint monsters and murder scenes plastered on sleek slim fit tees...that ARE or AREN'T for girls? I still can't tell, and the girl with cock ring in her ears behind the counter can't tell me either. Folks, the key word here is SCENE, and the murderSCENE stole the show...leaving the production bankrupt at best. Frankly, I admire Hot Topic for bringing extreme music that would otherwise be condemned to obscurity (if you're a REAL death metal fan then you'll get that reference...and you can't buy it at Hot Topic because it was discontinued before anyone in Suicide Silence was even born) to America's malls by the HEARSE-LOAD. Go ahead and ask any Morbid Angel fan over 30 if they picked up Altars of Madness at the same place some asshole was buying their parachute pants. No, they probably had to get it in the basement of specialty record store, while you couldn't go ANYWHERE without seeing Vanilla Ice or Hammer and those FUCKING PANTS! lol. Hate them as you will, but Hot Topic is not only bringing extreme to the otherwise clueless masses, but they're SHOWCASING it. Meanwhile, @ most any other multimedia retailer (cuz let's face it, there are no more MUSIC stores) you'd swear Nickelback, Jay Z, and Rascal Flatts were the only bands in America. So if HT wants to rake it in with all the re-re's buying fake blood fruit snacks and ephemeral social acceptance by stocking up on the latest, greatest trend, then more power to 'em. Corporate exploitation of the common man's ignorance and self-loathing is America's credo. Just don't tell that to Jon Schaffer, he still thinks it's liberty and justice for all...god bless him!

Bram Stoker's definitive tome was one of my most engaging reads growing up. Fright Night and Monster Squad were tapes my brother and I watched until they wore the fuck out. Palahniuk's 'Haunted' is a deliciously demented top contender for Champion of my Chuck-encrusted heart. Interview with a Vampire is STILL leading the pack of repeat offenders in my dvd player. 'Dracula' is (arguably) my FAVORITE Iced earth track off my (hands down) FAVORITE Iced Earth album, Horroshow. For all their awful audacity, Romero flicks are my guilty pleasure, though Zack Snyder's modern re-imagining of Dawn of the Dead is without rival (pretty much anything that cat touches is unequivocal and awe-inspiring). I've been a Poe pupil and appreciator since I was 7. I haven't yet, but I can't wait to get into H.P. Lovecraft. The Walking Dead is THE GREATEST COMIC OF ALL TIME. Two words: Evil FUCKING Dead! Er...whatever you know what I meant! Pantera...'Avoid the Light'...'nuff said.

So you see, it's not that I don't dig VAMPIRES, or horror as a whole. It's that I don't dig FLUFF where GUTS should go. It's that I hate having to settle for PG-13 when "rated R" is the bloody name of the bleeding game. And they don't even give me THAT! I get this GA, fun for the whole family, Nickelodeon, Teen-Choice, Tiger Beat, bitch-ass, cloned corpse-paint clad Hanson horseshit. It's like the Partridge Family meets the Manson Family...only it came out about as menacing as The Munsters. Hell, the Adams Family actually IS scarier. Maybe I could get scared if I wasn't so busy being embarrassed. Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Mercyful Fate, Ozzy, Danzig, Type-O, Rob Zombie (& all inclusive 'zombie' projects), Marilyn Manson, Cradle of Filth, and for the next gen I'd say Dommin; THESE guys sold me (especially when you have the balls to spearhead your merchandising campaign with a shirt proclaiming "Jesus is a Cunt"...in the MALL...yowzers!) . Gimmick or not, these guys meant it with every cobwebbed bone in their body, and they brought something new to the embalming table with each incarnation and incantation. I need my NEW wave of bewitching wunderkinds to bring it like a double-barreled, ball-bearing blasting bazooka, not some bullshit-bubblegum-beebee gun bitches. I just don't buy it from the latest breed of teeny-bop brats. I mean, maybe it's cuz Peter Steele looked like a hard dude who'd actually beat my ass and snack on my soul if I so much as speculated condescendingly on his sincerity. But the only thing hard about these new kids on the block, these black-metal boy-bands, if you will, is their candy coated shell...which melts in your ass, not in your ears.*

I'm not even a Misfits fan and I'm pissed! I can't imagine how all the serious underground ghost-face fuckers are feeling with the cute little honor roll students from nice families drinking their Kool-Aid...and calling it blood. Didn't South Park already cover this shit like TWO years ago? Yet here we are...still, stagnant and stinking like so many neglected corpses in an understaffed recession stricken mortuary. Hey, we're all feeling it, some people's work just piles up more than others...get it? I don't even know who i stole that joke from. FUCK YOU, faceless Comedy Central Presents nobody! At least when I steal your jokes it doesn't come out of your pocket. And you probably get to tour in your own damn car instead of van full of sweaty snorers...I suddenly hate you.

Let's end it there. I'll just keep going on and on and on like this sparkly, smiley, fun & friendly vampire fad. Vampires don't glitter in the sun...THEY BLOW THE FUCK UP. And is there even BLOOD in any of those fucking movies?! I saw 'em all and I can't remember more than a drop. In the books, Bella bleeds more on her period than she does in those movies...yeah, yeah, yeah, I READ 'EM. And as awful as they were, I enjoyed 'em. Still, I wanna go Blade on these Carebear-core glamvamp bands...but instead I go off on more tangents than Anne Rice (and no, the irony is not lost on me). So put a stake in me, I'M DONE.

"It's wearing on my mind, I'm speaking all my doubts aloud You rob a dead mans grave, Then flaunt it like you did create... Pierce a new hole, if Hell was "in" you'd give your soul... Buy it at a store, from MTV to on the floor, You look just like a star, it's proof you don't know who you are. ...if I was God you'd sell your soul" -Phil Anselmo

b shred or b DED Chris

*no...no, I don't have the first clue what that's supposed to mean...it just made me laugh.